Anger

Angry people generally become dependent on the use of anger as a preliminary means of expressing themselves; when they feel threatened. Inappropriate or uncontrolled anger is harmful for both targets of anger and the angry person as well. Inappropriate anger destroys relationships, makes it difficult to hold down a job, and takes a heavy toll on an angry persons physical and emotional health.

Anger is a basic emotional response to fear or pain; anger is generally expressed as a secondary emotion in other words as a result of a reaction to some other event, that is not dealt with appropriately. People from an early age copy angry behaviour if they observe and then attach to their experience the behaviour as a way of acceptance within the group or as a way of being rewarded or obtaining satisfaction.

Civilised society has an uneasy relationship with anger we are mainly taught that anger and aggression are not acceptable as a means of reaching goals. People who regularly display aggressive and angry behaviour may repress their feelings instead of expressing them appropriately.

Anger can be a destructive force as well as being a key requirement for self preservation, the choice of when to apply anger productively and when not to, can at times be unclear. People need to understand how to learn and apply healthy and respectful use of anger in order to preserve productive relationships.

Anger and aggression are most commonly triggered when obstacles prevent the attainment of personal goals. Mabel.S (1994) Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology

Angers main antagonist is the belief that our long held and well-embedded beliefs, values and attitudes are being challenged.

The experience of angers varies, the length, magnitude and intensity of anger is proportionate to the number of angry people, in other words there is no measurable standard of anger volatility. Some people are aware of anger build up, others are not, and those that feel the pressure may, if they choose, elect to impose restraint. Those who are not aware, may it seems, self propel directly into the explosion phase of anger development.

Some anger ‘experts’ suggest generally people get angry once a day and get annoyed about three times a day. Other ‘expert’ suggests anger at fifteen times a day may be a more realistic assessment.

Regardless of how often we actually experience anger, it is a common and unavoidable, although controllable, emotion.

Pain itself is not sufficient to cause a blast off, what is also required in the mix is an anger triggering thought, unfortunately most of the time the triggering thoughts are negative and automatic, akin to the negative automatic thoughts that are well known in the anxiety feeding frenzy.

Anger triggering thoughts and feelings of pain or threat encourage the attack response; this is usually directly after a defensive position is taken against the perceived threat.

An interesting phenomenon with anger is that sometimes people introduce anger as a deterrent against pain because it feels better to be angry than to be in pain. Making yourself angry can help you to hide the reality that you find a situation frightening or that you feel vulnerable.

Angry people can usually justify their anger outbursts, unfortunately other people don’t necessarily agree. Some people utilise anger to prevent feelings of vulnerability and helplessness overcoming them and instead find that anger converts vulnerability into power and control, of course the feelings are short lived and after the downward spiral that always follows an anger explosion, the previous feelings, vulnerability and helplessness are compounded and magnified. Anger of course doesn’t make the pain go away, it only momentarily offers a distraction.

The effects of anger, even though it is an emotion, are experienced physically, heart rate increases and muscles tense. Emotions tend to begin in the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is responsible for identifying the presence of a threat, and for preparing us to deal with the threat. The amaygdala is so efficient and responsive that it promotes a reaction before the cortex, which deals with thought and judgement, is ready to analyse the reasonableness of our reaction. This explanation of brain function is not to be accepted as an excuse for anger because it is possible to control aggressive impulses. Anger management can be learned, it is not something that we are ‘born with’, that we know instinctively.

Inside your brain, neurotransmitter chemicals known as catecholamines are released causing you to experience a burst of energy lasting up to several minutes. At the same time your heart rate accelerates, your blood pressure rises, and your rate of breathing increases. Your face may flush as increased blood flow enters your limbs and extremities in preparation for physical action. Your attention narrows and becomes locked onto the target of your anger. Soon you can pay attention to nothing else. In quick succession, additional brain neurotransmitters and hormones (among them adrenaline and noradrenaline) are released which trigger a lasting state of arousal. You're now ready to fight.

Although it is possible for your emotions to rage out of control, the prefrontal cortex of your brain, which is located just behind your forehead, can keep your emotions in proportion. If the amygdala handles emotion, the prefrontal cortex handles judgment. The left prefrontal cortex can switch off your emotions. It serves in an executive role to keep things under control. Getting control over your anger means learning ways to help your prefrontal cortex get the upper hand over your amygdala so that you have control over how you react to anger feelings. Among the many ways to make this happen are relaxation techniques (which reduce your arousal and decrease your amygdala activity) and the use of cognitive control techniques, which help you practice using your judgment to override your emotional reactions.

Once our anger has dissipated, after the explosion, we then experience a cooling down phase; we begin to return to our ‘resting state’, or in the case of angry people, it may be our ‘pretends to be resting state’. The problem for us is that it takes an awfully long time to reach the ‘resting state’ and our physiology may still be charged with energy. During this cool down phase we have to be on our guard against minor irritations, that normally would not bother us, but in our present state we are like tinder awaiting a spark.

Anger or anger arousal make it difficult for us to remember explosive actions, there is a point of energetic arousal at which our concentration and focus operate efficiently, but once past that point, concentration, ability to think and focus is lost, that is why people say it is difficult to remember the events of a really explosive argument.

How is shame linked to conflict?

After conflict one may experience guilt, the result of statements or actions of experiencing guilt may be closely flowed by feelings of shame, which appears for some to be closely associated with guilt. After guilt or shame one may express conflicted behaviour. It appears to be a cycle that some people get drawn into and struggle to break away from.

Defensiveness almost breaks the cycle, temporarily though it may seem, defence mechanisms such as denial, rationalisation and projection come into play in an effort to reduce the pain of guilt and shame.

If one can begin to understand why they feel guilty about what they say or do they may have a chance to modify their views, beliefs and principles.

Recognition, acceptance and modification come at a price, attacks on the ego are painful, and an acceptance that someone else may actually be right and I may be wrong is difficult to accept. Hard work and self-reflection are the ingredients for successful change.

Is conflict inherent in human nature? Will we always be at war with ourselves in some way?

Conflict or the propensity for conflict is part of the makeup of human beings. Whenever we develop or form associations with others we are entering into a relationship where choices and decisions have to be made. The existential approach to existence discusses the constant attachment of anxiety, which may be due to the fact that we have to make life choices. The decisions we take, the choices we make are not always going to be calm and assured, or in fact agreed.

The reality of decision making has always got to be touched by the notion that ‘I may get it wrong, and if I do what do I do then, and is this decision that I am making going to affect others, and if so in what way. I must be prepared for a reaction’. Internal conflict appears to be a burden that we must bear, however it may also play a crucial part in the way that we develop our existence especially in the way we co-exist with others.

Conflict and Anger in Relationships

The process.

In a conflicted relationship the onset of hostility is usually stimulated by one of the recognised anger and aggression triggers proposed by Sanford Mabel (1994). The instigator of the hostility has one aim only and that is to force the other person into submission, this is done in a verbally aggressive way and sadly sometimes in a violent way. The behaviour process of anger and aggression is interesting because it appears in no way unique, it begins with….ends with…. And has a middle that comprises problems associated with cognitive dissonance, poor communication and reluctance to change. The trigger response is due to the inability to process information appropriately and quickly enough and the information concerned is embedded deep within the belief and values schema of the perpetrator, the flavour of the process is usually negative and fixed.

At this time there is a simultaneous action taking place within the unconscious usually around the area of attribution, the big players in the defensive team, denial, projection and blame swing into action. The primary role of these defence mechanisms is to protect the perpetrator from further attack by insisting that he is not to blame and by projecting the blame onto the other person. Once a sound defensive position has been established then preparations for attack can begin. The attack comes very quickly with no thought of consequences, collateral damage, harm caused, in fact at this point of arousal there is little or no thought going on at all. We are extremely close to the explosion phase of anger now.

This is the time to escape to get out of the situation, for some it is possible, for many not.

Control techniques by this time have either been tried and have failed or the opportunity has been ignored or missed. There is only one action to take ESCAPE

The alternative of course is very familiar, remember? You go to battle, you leave casualties, you feel ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty after the downward spiral of course, you are now feeling the pain of remorse, and it gets too much to bear. The only way you know how to deal with this psychological pain is to erect your defences again. Once more denial takes centre stage, minimisation creeps in ‘I didn’t get that angry’. You may even apologise for your latest rage, you make promises, ‘It won’t happen again, I’m going to get some help’, of course this isn’t news to your partner, they’ve heard it before, remember. What they really want is action, not words.

So you decide to seek help, you may buy a self-help book, even a DVD; you may go to your GP who may refer you to your local voluntary mental health support service. You may book a session with a practitioner, a therapist or a counsellor. Whatever action you decide on you have got to be sure you know what you are getting involved in. Behaviour change is possible, but there are no quick fixes. How old are you?...... Well it’s taken that long to develop your theories and practices. It’s taken as long to construct your belief and value system, don’t think you can change it overnight, even if you do subscribe to the view of Einstein, ‘The kind of thoughts that have got you where you are today are not going to get you where you want to be’, you are going to have to change the way you think, and change the things you think about. That of course is going to be difficult because we all have an inbuilt resistance to change, it comes with the package. We have to look at our paradigms and shift some of them; this is all going to take time. We can manage change if it is in small incremental stages, we can’t manage big chunks, too difficult. Of course once we do begin to make the changes we want them to happen quickly and we want recognition, well don’t hold your breath.

So that’s the process, that’s what happens, question now is surely, why does it happen? And why so frequently?

We mentioned our belief system earlier; well that’s where we keep our practiced scripts for dealing with particular situations. The trouble is that they well have worked for some time but eventually we get sussed, we meet someone who is not prepared to accept our script activated behaviour and they want us to change, or suffer the consequences. If we are smart we will listen and do something about it………..eventually. If we are not prepared to change, then get on with you lonely stress ridden existence.

Why does it happen?

It begins with a look or a word and immediately a connection is made with the part of the psyche that deals with feelings, things stir very quickly, confusion blinkers rational thought. Unsure of what to make about the situation, we revert to the old tried and tested theories, which immediately inform us that someone is having a go at us, we are under attack, we immediately raise our defences because we are fearful that we are going to lose control of the situation. We attribute blame, we make false assumptions, and we complete an introspection assessment and decide that the other person is wrong, nothing to do with us of course. All these thoughts are faulty, we can’t help it, we are under pressure, we do what we have always done, and we attack.

We are not very good at understanding why we do things, but we keep trying to make sense of it and we do tend to believe the theories that we have developed, right, wrong, good or bad.

When we are observing someone else’s behaviour we tend to explain it in internal terms, personality, motives and abilities instead of external situational factors, this of course is flawed because we may know very little about the other person, so we make assumptions. When we look at our own behaviour we always consider external factors, so it’s always someone else’s fault.

The major contributor to conflict in relationships is the inability of one or other in the relationship, to communicate effectively. It’s not rocket science, try listening more and better, and really try to understand what your partner is saying and more importantly, how they are feeling and stop chopping and stopping the conversation. Do it and notice the difference. Remember some basics, everyone is entitled to a view or an opinion, you don’t have to agree with it but pick your moment to discuss the differences. Don’t try to impose your views on others, it called bullying. They are your views keep them, or better still modify them, if they keep getting you into trouble.
Remedies and Therapies.

If you have loads of money and time you may want to go see a psychoanalyst. You will be taken back to early childhood where the problems began, of course much of the memory by now is repressed away in your unconscious, so it needs recovering. This is a task for an expert, the therapist is the expert. Sigmund Freud the founder of psychoanalysis inferred that events from childhood could have a significant effect on adult behaviour, he explained that behaviour was determined by our unconscious mind and that the mind was like an iceberg and that only the tip is observable as conscious behaviour. Freud and his followers used ‘Free association, dream analysis and slips of the tongue’ in order to access the unconscious.

You may prefer working with a cognitive behavioural therapist. Behaviourists believe that behaviour is learned and John Watson an American psychologist in 1913 proposed that psychologists should study observable behaviour and not the mind or consciousness. He suggested that the theoretical goal of this objective approach to behaviour should be to predict behaviour and subsequently control behaviour. Behaviourists believe that people and animals for that matter are controlled by their environment and by what has been learned existing in that environment. What is proposed here is that we have learned our behaviour by association and that in some way we have become conditioned to respond in certain ways due to the effect of our environmental conditions. Cognitive behavioural therapy concerns itself with the here and now; it is very focussed and is relatively short term. The values of this approach are based on an open minded approach, on integrity, thoughtfulness and the ability to have a clear vision of the value of exploring alternative beliefs and understandings.

Another more popular force in therapy is the client centred approach based on humanistic theories; some of the early architects of Humanism were Maslow, Rogers and Rollo May who was an existential psychologist. Humanists believe that humans are inherently good; the approach focuses on personal values, the meaning of life and personal responsibility.

Carl Rogers is perhaps the best known humanist; he developed his ‘client centred ‘therapy’ in the 1950’s. The approach tends to discount the medical model and instead concentrates on human pathology, the therapeutic process will explore the healthy aspects of a client’s existence. This approach would appeal to someone who wants to retain a degree of control over the direction and pace of the therapy and of course the content. They do not want to be guided as in some of the other approaches. Clients are treated with respect and unconditional positive regard. Anyone suffering from low mood, hopelessness, stress and poor relationships may find this approach beneficial.

Whatever you decide to do, which ever approach you choose, remember this, ‘If you do nothing then nothing changes’